11:04 p.m. - April 23, 2008
right now
This is what life feels like right now, head under water, looking out, brick on my chest, nowhere to go.
I can't take the eternal sunshine of this damn state, and the city streets close me in. Everywhere I look are foreign plants and bad drivers. It's like being in another country, but it isn't, and I'm too far from home and too close to too many people.
My movements are perfunctory. Wake up, brush your teeth, fold a few cloths, don't bother with the dishes, who cares about mold, just go here and go there and get it over with and don't stop to think.
My friends from home aren't in touch with me, and half of me doesn't even care. I take care of little babies, and I look into their faces, and I feel nothing...just nothing. I spend money like I'm rich, but it's going to run out. I have just enough to pay the bills and nothing in savings, because there is no future. This is the end, and where do I go from here.
I feel like I spend my days lying and explaining and defending, and I wish that just one person would ask me how my day was and actually listen to me. I gotta get up, gotta get out, gotta change something, because I can't breathe.
For several months, I've been smothered by an oppressive loneliness that is so hard to bear that I find myself drinking and doing whatever I can to get through the days, so I don't have to be reminded that I'm alone...constantly, continually, only me with no one really giving a damn. I feel like I could stop, just stop, and probably no one would notice. And by the time they did notice, it wouldn't matter. I feel like I will be alone every day for the rest of my life...there will never be a companion, never a true friend, never a mutual history...just me and just me and pictures of people I used to talk to. I smile, and I laugh, and I do my job, but I feel so dead on the inside and like no one in the world ever gave half as much as I do and if I don't find someone, just one person to reach out and really be there, then I'll probably die, with my head under the water, let the waves crash down, and just sink into the depths of a life so lonely that it's becoming increasingly impossible to bear.